These are just the tip of the iceberg.

Countless years of being a particular guy, well-developed defence mechanisms, rapid fire tongue, cold as ice delivery all wrapped in an innocent and jovial demeanor.  God is asking that I give all that up.

He wants to be my defense, my advocate, my deliverer, my innocence, my joy, and I am freaking out!

The consoling thing is knowing that He hasn’t made me to be the way that I am.  He’s shown me the gifts He’s given me and I am amazed.  I know most of my talents.  Every book or article I came across dealing with personalities I’ve read.  Even horoscopes I took an interest in just to know me. Yet, God is assuring me I still haven’t cracked the case.  I still don’t know me.

What’s the Deal

Vulnerable is the best word I can think of right now to even come close to how I feel.  As He’s teaching me how to use my spiritual gifts, coaxing me to turn over my life to Him – totally – and allow the Holy Spirit to balance my personality, I feel like I’m sitting out in an open field for anyone to get me.

I am the biggest thing I’ve ever trusted God with.  And as much as I don’t like many things about myself, I’m finding that I love the me that I’ve created.  But in lieu of being tailor made, all I’ve done is grab a suit off the rack and try to fit it to my measurements.  A snip here, a tuck there, a hem here, a snatch there.  I’m not the “suit” He wants to display.

Paul says,

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.*

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. **

I hear that verse often, quote it often, read it often, and yet I still missed the significance.  If He hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, and I’m fearful then the trust I thought I had in Him was based off of what I thought I could do on my own. In other words, I’ve trusted God because I’ve had a back-up plan in case He failed.

Rather than accept the perfectly tailored me that I don’t know at all, the one God had in mind before He formed me, I prefer to keep the patched work me, the one that I know doesn’t fit, the one that even others don’t like.

Jeremy Camp sings: “Letting go of the things I hold so dear!”  And as I listen to that I wonder if I let go will the crisis end, or will God just comfort me as I endure it?  The end results are going to be well-worth the process, I’m sure.  May God grant me that blessed hope.

You’ve heard that God has given us all a purpose and created us accordingly, so why do you think we have a problem accepting that?

*2 Timothy 1:7 AMP

**2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

“Wake up, boy! I know you’re trying to sleep in.”

“Hey, Grandma.”

“I figured if I was up then someone else needed to be up with me.”

I rolled onto my back . “Yeah, misery loves company,  huh, grandma?”  Grandma giggled like a school girl.  It was wonderful to wake up to her call that morning.

Beautiful Blooms

Last year was her Third Annual Summer Week Visit and I hadn’t spoken to her much since then.  The last time being late August and I was determined then to find out how she had stayed a Christian for over 70 years.

“What am I missing, Grandma?” I asked.  “You have it together. We come to you for advice and prayer.  You’re still hanging in there.”

She was quiet for a moment. “I wish I had it together,” she began, “But, I don’t.  It’s more God hanging on to me than me to Him, Ray-Ray.”

It was always humble answers like that that kept me asking questions.  For instance, the first year she came to visit me, we went walking because Grandma lives to walk.  I asked her about being Seventh-Day Adventist and why they are so screwed up in the head (that’s my humble opinion).  She gave me a lot but the one thing that stuck out was her statement: “When I was coming up, it was known that you go to the Sunday churches for the Holy Spirit, then you go to the Seventh-Day Adventist church to learn how to get to Heaven.”

That morning was no different.  She was just as honest and raw as ever: “Baby, I’m realizing that my mission field is my family.  I look around and I see so many of our family outside the ark of safety.  Some of them that used to be inside.  What am I doing for them?  That’s why I have been praying for your momma.  I told the pastor the other day that they need to get stepping with building our church.  I think if we had our church maybe your momma would start coming. At least that’s what I’m hoping and praying for.”

Over seventy years of being a Christian and she admitted that she’s just realizing that her mission field is her family!  I could hear that it was really troubling her.  I think, too, that she is feeling the closeness of her time.  She makes no qualms about it.

Grandma said, “I also told that preacher to hurry up with the church because where am I going to have my funeral.”

Bulbs & Seeds

I guess as she looks around at her brothers and sisters that have passed away and those that are slowly lying in the lap of Alzheihmer’s, she knows she better prepare.

“Your aunts and uncles asked me why I was at the funeral home making arrangements and buying my casket,” she said, “I told them because y’all ain’t gone know what I want so I better get it now.”

“You would think they’d be happy,” I said, “That’s less they’ll have to do.”

“I know,” she said, “Because I remember how I ran around stupid after your granddaddy died. Oh, it almost made me crazy.  I don’t want them to have to deal with that.”

And that’s just how she is.  She even commented about not caring what anyone thought of her.

She said, “Somebody told me one of your cousins was mad at me and didn’t like me anymore. I said, ‘she doesn’t take care of me.’ Ray-Ray, I don’t care.  I know it sounds bad and I told the Lord that I probably shouldn’t feel that way.  But I live to please Him not to please people.”

“Well, that’s good, because when you please God you begin to please others,” I interjected.

“Hmph,” she retorted. “I aim to please God.  I don’t care about pleasing these folks.”

The funny thing is, I know she does

Why, yes, I’ll take one of those.  Okay…seriously…please look at this coat.  That inside pocket is a nice addition.  Makes you want to grab some material and start sewing inside pockets in your favorite coat and jackets that just don’t seem to have enough inside storage.