Exactly what I thought was going to happen is happening. Exactly what I told God I was afraid of happening is happening. It’s happening exactly the way I thought and it still caught me napping. I knew an identity crisis was inevitable when I asked God to make me over. I think I’m at the cusp of the crisis which frightens me even more because of the unknown.
These are just the tip of the iceberg.
Countless years of being a particular guy, well-developed defence mechanisms, rapid fire tongue, cold as ice delivery all wrapped in an innocent and jovial demeanor. God is asking that I give all that up.
He wants to be my defense, my advocate, my deliverer, my innocence, my joy, and I am freaking out!
The consoling thing is knowing that He hasn’t made me to be the way that I am. He’s shown me the gifts He’s given me and I am amazed. I know most of my talents. Every book or article I came across dealing with personalities I’ve read. Even horoscopes I took an interest in just to know me. Yet, God is assuring me I still haven’t cracked the case. I still don’t know me.
What’s the Deal
Vulnerable is the best word I can think of right now to even come close to how I feel. As He’s teaching me how to use my spiritual gifts, coaxing me to turn over my life to Him – totally – and allow the Holy Spirit to balance my personality, I feel like I’m sitting out in an open field for anyone to get me.
I am the biggest thing I’ve ever trusted God with. And as much as I don’t like many things about myself, I’m finding that I love the me that I’ve created. But in lieu of being tailor made, all I’ve done is grab a suit off the rack and try to fit it to my measurements. A snip here, a tuck there, a hem here, a snatch there. I’m not the “suit” He wants to display.
Paul says,
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.*
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. **
I hear that verse often, quote it often, read it often, and yet I still missed the significance. If He hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, and I’m fearful then the trust I thought I had in Him was based off of what I thought I could do on my own. In other words, I’ve trusted God because I’ve had a back-up plan in case He failed.
Rather than accept the perfectly tailored me that I don’t know at all, the one God had in mind before He formed me, I prefer to keep the patched work me, the one that I know doesn’t fit, the one that even others don’t like.
Jeremy Camp sings: “Letting go of the things I hold so dear!” And as I listen to that I wonder if I let go will the crisis end, or will God just comfort me as I endure it? The end results are going to be well-worth the process, I’m sure. May God grant me that blessed hope.
You’ve heard that God has given us all a purpose and created us accordingly, so why do you think we have a problem accepting that?
*2 Timothy 1:7 AMP
**2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV