Why have you thrown away your dreams and goals of traveling? of dancing? of working with autistic adults?  Why am I hating my job? my church? my city?

Are you ready for this?  I don’t think you’re ready for this!  This might be a lot for a Friday conversation, but…

We’ve put ourselves in a prison.  We’ve made boundaries for ourselves that shouldn’t be!  *gasps*

Catch Your Breath

I mentioned something to this fact about a month or so ago here.  Do you remember?  It didn’t click fully until yesterday when I was talking to Cole, my best friend of 16 yrs (soon to be 17).  We’re not doing what we want to do because we think we can’t.

Look at it like this: I want to travel, right?  Why do I have to quit my job to do that?  Why not just save some money and go?  I have vacation time.  I believe God wants me in Huntsville, but does that mean that I’m not allowed to step out of the city limits.  No, it doesn’t.  So, why am I moping around Huntsville and jumping at every opportunity that I think will get me out of here?  I need to break out of the prison I’ve put myself in.

So, what do you want to do?  Why aren’t we doing that?

God says we have not because we ask not.  When I wanted to visit schools and teach high schoolers about money and credit, I prayed about it, sat down and drew up a curriculum, if you will, and then presented it to the bank’s board of execs.  They liked the idea and directed me to Junior Achievement.  I was able to spend an hour a week at the schools working with kids.  Plus, the bank paid me because it received credit for me being out in the community.

God knew my desire to work with children.  Just because He said that He wants me at the bank didn’t mean I couldn’t do anything else.  It just meant that the bank comes first.

When I asked about working with the elderly, God provided me with Home Instead Senior Care so I could do it part-time.  It never interfered with my main focus – God and the bank.

I want to study nursing now.  Do I have to move to Orlando to do that?  No.  There are two great nursing programs here in town that I can attend.  If I want to go to Orlando, visit!  I have family there.  And if I didn’t, I have the family of God there.  Pick up a phone, call a few churches, tell them I plan to come to town and see who has the Gift of Hospitality.  Daring I know, but do you see my point?

We’re Off The Mic

That’s code for “We’re on the move!”  I believe the same principle holds true.  You and I just need to ask God for the things that we want to do, begin planning, and act!  We have to stop putting boundaries on ourselves.  As long as we are taking care of business – seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, rendering unto Caesar what is Caeser’s, and loving our neighbors as ourselves – we are good to go. Why aren’t we doing that?

Let’s start taking that class we’ve always wanted to take.  Let’s drive cross country, or at least go visit our cousin in Miami who has been waiting on a visit for 6 yrs.  Let’s do New Year’s in New York next year, God willing.  Let’s plan monthly meetings with our friends just to have some face-to-face time.  We do have time.  Let’s enjoy Huntsville (or wherever you are right now) for what it’s worth.  Let’s travel an hour or two to a surrounding city that may have a bit more, or at least something different than what we have in our cities. Why aren’t we doing that?

I’m tired of moping around the cell, the block, the yard.  I’m looking through the razor barbed-wire topped chain link fence; I see blue skies and I want to know what’s over the horizon.  When I lie down on my death bed, the only thing I want to regret is not spending enough time with God as I thought I should.  Why aren’t we doing that?

And you know what…I’m gonna work on spending more time with God, too.

So tell me, what is something that you have been wanting to do? Stay encouraged!

Here are the specifics, Lord. Allen posted this on facebook:

Need prayers…Finances…I need to make more money…I need to find a great paying job that won’t interfere with our crazy school schedule

You’re LORD of everything, so that’s why I’m coming to You to ask for a holy hook-up on Allen’s behalf.  You’ve presented us with an opportunity to flex our faith muscles, so we’re asking You and believing that You are gonna take care of his situation.  I’ve seen You do greater things than this, Father, so I believe. Help my unbelief!  Don’t forsake us now, please.  Stretch Your mighty hand to Your children in their time of need.  No one but You can take care of this situation fully.

Encourage Allen to come to You and ask as well, Father.  You said we have not because we ask not.  Lord, will give You please grant Allen with a great paying, flexible job that won’t interfere with his and katie’s school schedules?  Thank You, Lord.  Thank You.

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just got his first Birthday gift in the mail from America! Thanks, bro! For those who would like to show me some love over here in Korea (LOL), my address is: 248-349 Dae Sah Dong, Joong Gu, Daejeon 301-040, South Korea! (Ideas: BIG FRANKS, Glide Dental Floss, hand sanitizer, BIG FRANKS, SDA DVDs, Cream of Wheat®, Goya Adobo seasonings, BIG FRANKS…)

So here’s the good deed to add to your list this month – send Anthony a “care package” for his birthday.  As you read the number one gift would be Big Franks.  And, in case you are wondering what they are, look here.  Of course, you may be able to find them on your grocer’s shelves.  Anything else on his list should be easy to find.

Now remember, this is your good deed between you and our Lord.  There’s no reward from me besides a thanks if you comment that you sent something.  You may get a “Thank you” from Anthony after receiving a birthday package from a complete stranger.  But the real joy is knowing that you are recognized in heaven.

Cheesy you say?  Well, check out a little piece of Jesus’ parable in Matthew 25 and tell me what you think…

³⁴ Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: ³⁵ for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’ ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? ³⁸ When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? ³⁹ Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

It’s rough being a missionary, away from family and friends and all things familiar.  Just receiving something in the mail let’s them know that they are thought of and possibly prayed for.  It also gives us a chance to be co-laborers with God to take care of our brothers and sisters around the world.

I will let you know when I send mine.  Procrastination will not win this time!

I know I’ve been praying about school more and about moving to Orlando; I know those desires aren’t bad.  They’re not wrong, yet I know there is a more perfect thing for me to ask for.  I do want to be in Your will, Father.  Let Your will be done in my life.  If You really want me to stay in Huntsville I am willing to stay.  Where You are is where I want to be.

I don’t know what grand scheme You have planned.  As far as I know, Your plan may simply be for me to live a life with You for others to see how great it is to serve the Living God.

You know the true desire of my heart is to be like You; to be the man that You planned for me to be.  Please don’t let my dreams of traveling and “ministry” override Your plan.   Keep me in line with You at all times, please.

Thank You for where You’ve brought me.  Thank You for planting me here in Huntsville, blessing all that I’ve put my hands to, and broadening my sphere of influence.  Thank for the friends and family here in town that keep my relationship with You strong and keep me in constant conversation with You.  You are truly a wise God.  Keep that in my mind as I continue to trust You to order my steps in Your word.

Thanks for Your love!

What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death; this is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand

-Andrew Shawn Craig and Donald A. Koch (Stuart Townend and Keith Getty)-

Like the auto collector and restorer in the cartoon, Jesus sees great value in people - even people with broken, damaged lives - so much so that He paid a high price to buy them back from Satan: His life. Jesus can heal and restore the life of anyone who puts their faith and trust in Him. -Mike Waters-

Holla if you hear me!

Lord, You have to do it.  He’s going to hurt someone else and heap more pain onto himself.

Break the chain of bondage that holds him.  Sever the connection he has to alcohol.  Release him from his past.  If there is something there, Lord, something that happened to him similar to what he did to me, help him deal with it.  I don’t know what that entails, but he needs You.

All power is Yours, Father, so I know You can help him.  All glory is Yours, Lord, so I know this is not too hard for You and You will get the glory from his restoration, also. You are the King of kings, Addonai!  This is Your kingdom and he is one of your subjects that is being bullied and done wrong.  Vindicate him, Lord!

Protect the children that are in his direct contact.  Wake the people around him to sense the danger lurking behind his smile.  You gotta protect the kids, Lord, until Your work is done in him.

Don’t ask me why I am still crying about it after 15 years have passed.  Maybe I’m still embarrassed.  Maybe I’m still that 11 year old boy that slowly made his way to the hall bathroom and stood there with his pants around his ankles, pulling piece after piece of toilet paper from the roll in order to stop the blood and semen from running down his legs.  Maybe I’m crying for him now because I don’t remember crying then.  Then, my main thought was, I hope no one finds out.

Tonight I finally took a stand to say that I’m tired of dealing with it.  Tonight, my gracious God, our Father, has gotten me where He’s been wanting me.  I began reading the book titled The Wounded Heart: Hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse.* Man, just the one chapter I read tonight has me in a sort.  What got me first was Dr. Allender talking about a person’s decision to face the music:

What is the point in pursuing firm hope and lively joy? The answer is simple: to live out the gospel. The reason for entering the struggle is a desire for more, a taste of what life and love could be if freed from the dark memories and deep shame…Our motivation to change, however, is more than just dissatisfaction with an empty life; we are motivated by the goal that draws all believers…The person who desires to deal with the wounds of past abuse will not feel courageous, nor will there be the immediate exaltation of starting out on a new journey; the bonds on the soul will not be quickly freed or broken. What, then, is the reason for moving toward the goal of God’s embrace? Again, the answer is a hunger for more.  God has made us with a natural desire to be as He is: alive, righteous, pure, passionate, loving.  To honor what God has called us to be is the reason a man or woman chooses the path of change.

That’s where I am, ready for change.

God worked it out as He always does.  He knew I wouldn’t face the issue just by facing it.  What He did was begin to show me how much He’s investing in me; how much hidden potential He put in me; and as I saw it all and began to understand it I wanted more.  I became agitated with the mundane life I was living, period.  Christianity aside.

As I began studying Christ’s life more, God began to show me that He has given me the tools to be an effective leader whether I want to admit it or not; that I can’t keep hiding.

But the most powerful thing for me was when He took away my fear of the unknown.  I’ve been telling Him for a few years now that I am afraid of who I will be if I surrender my life to Him.  I only know this man that I’ve made.  He’s comfortable and though I don’t know his full ins and outs, he’s still familiar to me.  What will I do with the man that He will change me into?  Who will that be?  Will I even know myself?

God directed me to the book of John and asked me who was I reading about.

“Jesus,” I said.

“Isn’t that who you said you want to be like?” He whispered.

Of course I admitted that to be true.  God then assured me there was no reason to fear the unknown person I would become after He had His way, because He’s been showing me all along who I would be – a lamb of God, the similitude of Christ.

So tonight from John He reaffirmed His plans for me.  He reaffirmed that He has made me a new creature and if I continue to allow my mind to be transformed I will remain a new creature.  Oh Blessed Assurance!

John 14

The Way, the Truth, and the Life

“Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.  And where I go you know, and the way you know. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. If you love Me, keep My commandments.  And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—  the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.  You have heard Me say to you, ‘I am going away and coming back to you.’ If you loved Me, you would rejoice because I said, ‘I am going to the Father,’ for My Father is greater than I.” -John 14:1-4, 13-18, 27, 28-

Trust me when I say I will need that assurance everyday.  I’m sure you need it for something, too.  Take it.  Believe it.  Adhere to it.  Trust in it.

* I bought this book by Dr Dan B Allender from Amazon.com off the referral of a former co-worker (Thanks Barney). There’s a version that has a study guide, too.  Please pray for me.

I appreciate the kind words in reply to my last letter.  I was speaking to you and I knew you would understand what I felt.  I knew you would say that I have been a good friend, too.  We shall see.  I won’t get down on myself and stay there.  Sometimes a healthy analysis does a body good.

Today I am just bubbling over with, I don’t know, fear I guess.  And it’s not that I am afraid of anything, well, maybe the unknown.  And I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by that, yet it’s there.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and knew that you were destined for more than what you are living?  Have you ever laid in bed in the twilight and watched the goals and dreams and aspirations play out in your mind and you knew that you could accomplish 7/8ths of them if you just got out of bed and put some energy behind them?  I figured you had.  We’re more alike than we give each other credit for.

That’s where I am right now.  Besides being fed up with my spiritual mediocrity (and others’ for that matter), I am fed up with not living up to my potential.  When God showed me last summer that through the Holy Spirit He had gifted me with a large quantity of spiritual gifts to go along with my talents and skills, I knew that all that I believed to be true that I could do in life was possible.  The only thing that has been holding me back is me.

Last weekend while Andrew played HGTV, I asked Shelli if she’d ever looked at herself and seen that she could do more than what she was doing: “Yes,” she replied.  Then she began to inform me about one of her biggest most recent dreams.  You should have seen her eyes twinkle.  You also should have seen the solemn aura that surrounded her as she recounted the realization that her dream was very possible, doable, within her grasp if she wanted it.  Yet she hasn’t reached for it.

I have come to that realization as well.  One particular thing is dance.  I have always wanted to be a dancer.  Remember when I lived in Atlanta back when I was 19-21?  Yeah, exactly.  That’s what I was there for.  I was training to be a dancer.  Did I ever tell you why I stopped?  I talked myself out of it.  “You can’t be a Christian dancer, Ray.”  “Everybody’s gonna think you’re gay, dude.”  “You can’t be a dancer and make money, man.”  “You have to choose a decent life or dance, crazy.”  “You’re going to be a starving artist living with 5 roommates and that’s not you.”

Did you see the foolishness?  No one else said those things to me.  It was all me.  So a few months ago when I was talking to God about the foolish statements I made, I asked Him why couldn’t I be a dancer and a Christian.  If other artists were able to devote their skill and talent to Him, why couldn’t I when I was using the very instrument that He designed.

“I never told you not to dance.  That was your choice.”

Booyah!  In my face, right?  I’ll tell you more about melancholy personalities in a later letter.  Just suffice it to say that we can shoot holes in any plan.  You want to know if your idea is rock solid take it to someone that has a predominate melancholy personality and you will soon find out.  Lucky you that you have me!

The book I’ve been reading on spiritual leadership has been confirming things for me.*  The chapter I read today brought out Romans 12 which starts off telling God’s believers “…to make a decisive dedication of your bodies…as a living sacrifice…” and then goes on to say “…having gifts that differ according to the grace given us, let us use them…he who gives aid and superintends, with zeal and singleness of mind…”**  In other words, “If you are a leader, exert yourself to lead.” (NEB version of the Bible)

So, I’m understanding that nothing in my life can trump 1) God and 2) what God has told me to do.  For me, whenever my plate begins running over and I get whiny, He reminds me that all He told me to be concerned about was Him and the job He gave me.  Everything else is extra.  When I need to trim the fat in my life He always points to the things that I have added onto the list.  His counsel streamlines and focuses my life tremendously, however, it doesn’t always take away the fear of failure if I jump out there to do something.

Well, when you look at things, I guess I’m not too fearful.  I began taking dance classes and I am loving them.  I devoted myself more seriously to teaching the 8-12 year olds for Sabbath School at All-Nations SDA Mission.  As a matter of fact I was out there this morning in the heat working with all the kids along with the Children’s Ministry leader.  It was blazing out there.  We were under two gigantic trees which was probably much better than being under the revival tent.   I threw myself into it and I watched the kids’ faces and they enjoyed it and I could feel God oozing through me.

I am taking charge of my Christian life.  I know God hasn’t called me to be a pew Christian.  I am a leader, though I lead from an assistant’s role.  I have always known that.  So, now I am exerting the power that I have in a Christ-like manner, of course, which is why I’m reading the book on spiritual leadership.  I’m even thinking about school again.  I don’t know what I am going to study because I want to study too much.  Maybe I can just jump in and see where it takes me.  I’m editing my friend’s book, also.  A big book.  It will be my first major work in editing and it is a paid gig.  I am thoroughly excited about that.  Maybe I can study copy editing.

You are a big part of my new thought process.  I have determined to spend more time in communication with you, whether face to face, phone, text, facebook, twitter, letter, or blog-letter.  I want to keep in touch with you and I want you to keep in touch with me.  I’m meeting Amanda, a dear friend from high school who happens to be my godsons’ mom, for dinner this evening.  We’ve decided to make every 1st Saturday of the month our dinner date to catch-up.

I have a few co-workers that I have been meeting on a monthly basis.  Each one has a particular day, at a particular time, sometimes at a particular place for lunch.  For instance, Higgy and I have this thing where one of us emails the other and says something like “the usual 20.”  Which simply means our usual place at our usual time on our usual day on the 20th.  The only thing that changes is the date.  We love it, corny though it may be.  Our friends and family members are an extreme investment and we can’t be too busy for them.  Our life and our ministry should first speak volumes to them, in my humble opinion.

The belief that God wants us to enjoy life is a very valuable belief.  I see, though, that it’s not just for our enjoyment but for us to be vessels for people to see the greatness of God.  That’s a theme in the Bible and it took Jesus to give us a perfect example of that.

I will keep you informed of my progress.  Please continue to take care of yourself.  May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in His sight, our Lord and our Redeemer.

Yours truly

* The reference is to J. Oswald Sanders’ Spiritual Leadership published in 1967 from the Commitment To Spiritual Growth Series

** Taken from the New English Bible with the Apocrypha

Long time, no hear right?  I know.  How are things going in your corner of the globe?  How’s the fam? I’m sure you’re surprised to hear from me this way, with writing being an almost forgotten art, huh?  You know I love me some you.

That’s really what prompted me to write tonight.  As I was praying earlier today you came across my mind and I just felt impressed to reach out to you.  I’ve been on one of my super critical tangents (you know how I can get) and I finally had to stop and take inventory.  Being of a predominantly melancholy personality it isn’t a hard thing for me to sit and analyze.  What I got from the reflection was that, yes, there is a problem in the world; yes, there is a problem in religion; yes, there is a problem in me.

I’m so tired.  I am almost physically tired, drained from running from God and running my mouth to cover up what I’m afraid for you to see in me.  God already knows, but there are things inside of me that would make you distance yourself from me, and because of that I put up a wall for you.  It’s almost like what Jabez was praying for – asking God to enlarge his territory, build up his borders so that sin wouldn’t get to him and that the sin in him wouldn’t get to others, so he wouldn’t hurt others.

I’m tired of hurting you.  Yes, I have.  I’ve been studying the life of Christ and really picking apart how He handled things, people, friends, leadership, spirituality, Himself.  He wouldn’t treat you as a friend the way I’ve treated you.  I know.  It’s not big things, but still the same, I haven’t been a good friend to you.  I haven’t given you me.  I haven’t given you what you deserve from me and that’s a glimpse of Jesus every time we are in communion.  That’s what I notice about Jesus.  When He was with His friends He gave them a glimpse of heaven because He believed that was important for them to see.

Being the same guy isn’t an option for me anymore.  I want to be meek and lowly in heart, too.  I want you to enjoy being around me because the love that emotes from me is undeniable.  You should feel drawn to me because I am offering you something more than cunning humor, blunt counsel, and a charming personality.  Will you love Jesus more after we’ve gone our separate ways?  That’s what Vonda Beerman asks in one of her songs.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not talking about being all preachy and nun-ish.  That’s not how Jesus rolled either.  He enjoyed the company of his friends as I enjoy yours.  He just gave His friends more than just Himself, and I am barely giving you myself.  I don’t want to talk so much.  I want to listen to you.  I want to hear you.  I want to see your soul and help you navigate the path of life as long as we’re together.  God can teach me to be better.  He can show me how to be better.  He can help me be better.

Haven’t you been wanting someone to live the life that is spoken of so much?  Haven’t you wanted to see someone pick up their cross and follow Christ?  I have.  I have wanted to be that someone.

I thanked God for you today because I know we are friends because of Him.  Thank you for finding me worth investing time in.  Thank you for thinking of me as a treasure.  Now follow me as I follow Christ, not merely in word, but in action.  It’s going to be tough because you know I’m not gentle, or patient, or optimistic, or peaceful, or meek, or humble, or prone to listen, or…okay we’re not going to sit hear and just point out what I’m not!

All I’m saying is that I want to be an example of holiness, an example of what it’s really like to serve the Almighty One with whole-hearted obedience.  I would rather fail working toward that goal than being mediocre as I have been.  I would rather die unloading a massive amount of love and joy and peace and grace on you than being the whack-ass friend that I have been.  I would like to be a marked contrast of the foolishness we see going on in the world of religion.

Just know that without you and God, Huntsville wouldn’t be enough, it wouldn’t even be bearable.  I pray all is well and that this letter finds you in perfect peace.  Until I write again…

Lovingly yours